I'm not joking. I feel like when I set It at night, I'm pulling the pin out of a hand grenade and setting it next to my bed. Or else that my worst enemy sits up on the window sill each night and plots ways to get to me. I don't think I sound paranoid, because I'm pretty sure you all feel the same way. Think about it: I'll be asleep all soundly, restoring all of my rods and cones, unconsciously preparing myself for the coming day...when all of a sudden this obnoxious beast penetrates my peaceful slumber and jarringly jolts me back into reality. Pure evil.
What's worse is that It seems to know when I'm most comfortable. Now I realize that it is I that set the alarm, but it seems like no matter what time I set It for, two minutes previous to that time I find my "sweet spot" - you know, when your bed is the perfect temperature, your pillow is cushioning your head just right, your blankets are tucked just so around you...then, two minutes later, IT rousts you out. It's cruel.
My alarm clock has this annoying feature where the longer you let It go before hitting the snooze, the closer together the Beeps. Or, as they sound to me, the Mocking Laughs. So It goes off and It sounds like this:
Ha (pause) Ha (pause) Ha (pause) Ha (pause) Ha
Ha(pause)Ha(pause)Ha(pause)Ha(pause)Ha(pause)Ha(pause)Ha
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
Hates my guts.
My alarm clock is not the first or only inanimate object to hate my guts. When I was 9 a ride-in Fisher Price Power Wheels Barbie car hated me so much that It tripped me and broke my arm. When I was in high school, my best friend's sliding doors had it in for me and tripped me, causing me to sprain my toe. (I had to be on crutches for a week.) Some stranger's car hated me so much It crashed into me when I was 18 and messed up my foot. (More time on crutches.) Even just a few weeks ago one of the pews at church loathed my very existence to the point where It tripped me. Twice. Two weeks in a row! My stairs despise me and like to trip me as I walk up them as often as They can. I know some of these might be attributed to me being "Clumsy," but it's not like I walk around in a blind daze. These things really detest me! They have a club. And I don't mean "a heavy stick, usually thicker at one end than at the other, suitable for use as a weapon; a cudgel." I mean, "a group of persons organized for a social, literary, athletic, political, or other purpose" (that other purpose having been elaborated upon above).
A number of electronic devices abhor me as well. They get me in a different way. As mentioned in a previous post, I have super-human hearing, which means that I hear the high-pitched sqeals given off by TVs, radios, light bulbs, etc. They're all determined to drive me mad. Again, I'm certain that no one thinks I'm paranoid, since I'm sure that you all feel the same way and have certain things that hate you. Right?
3 comments:
Sounds like somebody needs to join the paranoid club. Their motto is, "nobody likes me and everybody's watching me."
I hate to tell you this, but... you're... (whispering)....clumsy. Either that or everything is out to get you! Which of those sounds less paranoid? You tell me.
my advice, buy a new alarm clock. One that has soothing nature sounds, so you wake up to seagulls laughing at you in stead of beeping, or better yet, a babbling brook, babbling on about how it's going to kill you. Either one, it's your choice, and that's why it's so great.
-Brian Egan
Yes, seagulls laughing at me and a babbling brook threatening to murder me DO sound like better options. Thanks!
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