So A Fish Walked Into a Bar...

It's Tuesday after a long weekend, and I feel the need for a good laugh. Elizabeth was telling me recently about some studies that show that laughter really can help you feel better, whether you're merely feeling blue or if you are physically sick. In this miserable January weather (if it snows one more time...!!) I know I can use a laugh more than ever, so I thought I'd share some of my favorites with you. Here's the catch: You can only read these jokes if you post one of your own at the end. And please keep 'em clean... ;) Laugh on, friends!

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A farmer was hauling manure and his truck broke down in front of a mental institution. One of the patients leaned over the fence and said, “What are you going to do with your manure?” The farmer said, “I’m going to put it on my strawberries." The guy said, “We might be crazy, but we put whipped cream on ours.”

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.” The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was equally intrigued by the derelict’s intuition since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off her drunken observer to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, “well you know what, you’re absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?” The drunk replied, “’Cause you’re ugly.”

ZING!!

A duck was walking (waddling?) down the street one day and his stomach started to growl. He was just passing a convenience store, so stopped in and asked the clerk if he had any duck food. The clerk was busy, so was a little annoyed by the request from the duck. He told him they had no duck food, so the duck left.
The next day, the duck was walking past the store, still hungry. He walked into the store, walked up to the clerk, and again asked if they had any duck food. The clerk was even more annoyed and angrily told the duck that no, they had no duck food, then asked the duck to leave. The duck shrugged his shoulders and left, still hungry.
The following day, the duck, still hungry, walked into the convenience store. The clerk saw the duck, and said, "NO. We do not have any duck food! If you come back here and ask for duck food one more time, I will nail your feet to the floor!!" Incredulous, the duck left.
The next day, the duck's stomach was growling like crazy. He was near the convenience store, so he walked in and walked up to the clerk. Before the clerk could say anything, the duck asked him, "Do you have any nails?" Startled, the clerk told him that no, they didn't have nails at their store. "Good," said the duck. "Do you have any duck food?"