If I Had A Dog

Sometimes when I'm laying in bed at night, I think about all sorts of random things.  What would my dream house look like?  What would be the most peaceful colors for a bedroom?  Why am I not laying on a hammock someplace tropical right now?  (Insomnia brings about deep thinking.)  And so on.  

Last night, I got to thinking about dogs.  I have a confession to make...  You know how there are people who prefer dogs or cats or birds or snakes, etc? I prefer none.  If I had a choice between having any animal I wanted, all expenses paid, or having no animal at all, I'd pick no animal at all.  They're just SO MUCH WORK!  Plus there's the whole getting super attached to an animal and then having it die, and I just figure, why put myself through all that?  

I realize that this probably tells a lot about me.  People might think that I'm a cold, unfeeling person, or that I'm dead inside, because who doesn't love animals?  Well, I DO love animals!  I think they're great!  Giraffes are the best, seahorses are the coolest, bunnies are adorable, puppies and kittens are frickin' heart-melters, penguins be stylin', and so on.  I love animals.  But do I want to deal with the care of one?  Not so much.

See, here's the thing: I can't handle gross.  Anything gross.  You want to tell me all about your surgery and show me scars?  I'll buy you flowers to keep you quiet.  TV shows want to put bloody wounds all up in my face?  TV goes off. Zombies?  NO THANK YOU.  And that's the thing about animals.  They do gross better than just about anyone else.

Now, I get that most of what animals do is NOT "be gross."  But you've got to admit, they do leave "surprises" from both ends of their bodies around often enough that for me it overshadows the rest.  Why, WHY would I want to walk around carrying a bag o' poo?  To quote Leopold from the movie "Kate and Leopold," "Are you suggesting madam that there exists a law compelling a gentleman to lay hold of canine bowel movements?"  Exactly.

Now that I've enraged animal lovers anywhere, here's a collage of animal photos to woo you back:

You might have noticed that the title of this blog post is, "If I Had A Dog."  The reason for that is that, despite my protestations above, there's that part of me that wonders what it would be like to have a dog.  My cousins have the sweetest Golden Doodle ever - his name is Blue and he never fails to make me smile:

Blue, just one of the gang.

I often tell my cousin that Blue restores my faith in animals - so loving and sweet and goofy.  While I personally can't see myself with a dog Blue's size, he does make me wonder if having an animal like him would be worth all of the fuss.  So, instead of actually worry about getting a dog, I lay in bed and think about what I'd name one if I did.  (Sorry to cat lovers out there, but I will never own a cat, partially due to being allergic to them, but also largely due to their sneaking, plotting ways...)  

Here are a few ideas for names I came up with while laying in bed last night:

• Lord Rothschild
• Steve  (while some might think this name comes from me once dating a guy named Steve, that's not it at all - I just think Steve would be a hilarious dog name)
• Walter
• Marty McFly
• Doc Brown
• Professor Fluffington
• Anne Murray
• Wolverine
• Mystique
• Amy Pond
• The Doctor
• Thor
• Squidward
• Albus Dumbledor
• Viktor Krum
• Mulder
• Scully
• Captain Phantom
• The Crimson Chin

Maybe there are other reasons I don't have a dog, come to think of it...